[ This was supposed to be a fun, silly, potentially sexy conversation about getting Tengen to pierce his ears. Now they were talking about feelings and shit. And he was trapped in Tengen's arms.
He huffs a harsh little laugh. ]
Because I’m obviously the last fucking person who’d be able to make a declaration like that. You seriously have to ask?
[Sanemi is... gruff. Awkward with feelings. Rough around the edges at the best of times. And yet...
Call him selfish, or callous, or misguided, but the words feel important. For clarity, sure, but also for affirmation.]
So uh. Try it? For me?
[Back in the forest, urging him to try putting feelings into words for his own sake - or for the sake of simply getting them out there - had seemed to work, but only to a point. Maybe like this...]
[ He was seriously going to make Sanemi do this. He's never been any fucking good with words, or with vocalizing his feelings, or – any of this shit. Especially not when put on the spot. And besides, it still feels wrong, like he's shoving his way in to a loftier seat than he has any right to occupy. ]
... maybe it's fucking stupid, but I feel like we're all on borrowed fucking time. And every day that knot gets a little tighter, and more of it slips away, and I've already done – enough things wrong for one measly fucking lifetime.
[ He clenches his jaw. ] I don't – want to lose something that – matters, again, even if it's – shit, I don't know. I don't know what the hell I'm saying.
[He listens. Takes in every gruff, awkward little word, and, sure, he could take him somewhere comfortable, but... his back hits the wall instead, he sinks down, he keeps the other man tucked close, though loosens his hold on him just enough that he can settle himself comfortably in his lap.]
If it's fucking stupid, then we're both fucking stupid, because... I feel the same, you know?
[He can't say that it feels like he's the only one not on borrowed time - between those who were brought back from the dead and those who had a timer on their remaining days, he knows, knows, that every day he has with any of them is precious.
It's gratifying that Sanemi recognizes it, too, in his own way, even if he's certain it hurts.]
[ Maybe, at some distant point in the future, he'll tear his hair out over how he went about this. Or maybe he won't give a damn. Right now, he's comfortable in Tengen's lap, in their close proximity, and he's desperately trying to keep a handle on whatever bubbling emotion he feels dangerously on the verge of right now.
Sanemi's first reaction is to click his tongue: in frustration, out of a lack of anything meanwhile to say. He does at least lift his head from where it's tucked into Tengen's neck. ]
I'm not any fucking good at this. You know that, right? You know what you're getting yourself into?
[ That's saying... something. In a way, it's Sanemi's affirmation of both their feelings. Just with his same hamfisted way of going about it. Borrowed time, stolen moments – he was unwilling, at this point, to let any more of it slip by out of.. his own misguided understanding of things. ]
[The questioning is... soft. Sure, Sanemi might not be naturally "good at this" but there's an honesty to the way he expresses himself, beyond all the bluster and frustration in his own lack of ability to put things into words that is refreshing. If there's one thing about Sanemi Shinazugawa, it's you always know where you stand with him.
Funny, that the wind is steady like the earth, in this case.]
You think I started out good at this? I've been married eight years and I still suck at finding the words sometimes.
[So they're on borrowed time. So what? They would, inevitably, end up using some of that time to get better at... all this. Whatever that ended up meaning for them.]
[ Hrmph. After all that effort put into stumbling through a haphazard explanation of his feelings, Sanemi punctuates it by lightly thumping Tengen in the chest. Call it cuteness aggression, or appreciative aggression, or just... aggression... he's learning better habits! Trying to! ]
Bullshit. I feel like you run circles around me practically every time we end up like... this.
[ Sanemi wrinkles his nose. Steels himself. Breathes in slowly, then breathes out equally slowly. ]
Alright. I warned you. ... and I'm not just doin' all this because you're fucking attractive, or for the sex, even if –. [ He glances towards the heavens. Higher power, fucking help him. ] The former's true and the latter was fucking fantastic, whatever. What I'm trying to say is that I want you. All of it.
[Hey, he can take that thump to the chest. He's solid, you have seen and felt it, Sanemi. He can take whatever flavor of aggression you want to throw at him.
...Well, like, actual hateful aggression might hurt his soft heart a bit, but surely that's not actually part of it (anymore), so it's fine.]
Yeah, I have practice, idiot.
[There's fondness there. So as Sanemi breathes, steels himself, Tengen shifts to look at him more fully, really take in what he's saying. And for a few moments, when he lays on the compliments, when he focuses on the physicality of their attraction, he thinks he's safe, lets a smirk start to form... but then.
Then he keeps going and all those circles he supposedly runs around Sanemi when they're like this ends in him tripping and falling on his stupid metaphorical face as he flushes, opens his mouth like he's going to speak, only to close it again with a strangled, halting noise...
And shifts to hide that embarrassing expression in Sanemi's shoulder, all while holding him tighter. No look him he's suddenly shy.]
[ Eh? What was that? What just happened? By virtue of the fact that Tengen had so thoughtfully shifted to look Sanemi in the face while he stumbled through his words, Sanemi gets a startlingly full view of the moment that blush starts to settle. Everything that follows is icing on the cake: the flapping of his mouth like he's at a loss for words, the noise, the way he tucks his head into Sanemi's shoulder.
He was acting like Sanemi! Had Sanemi managed to fluster him by being – honest?
He weighs his options. He could rub it in. But that might lose him the moment. He could also simply... continue being honest? Maybe it wouldn't be so terrible, if Tengen was reacting like that. ]
... so, yeah, maybe I wanted to match. Maybe I like the idea of someone lookin' at me, seeing it, and knowing. I like the idea of being... associated with you, like that. Shit, it should be obvious how much I do like you, given... something about being around you puts me in a stupidly good mood, most of the time. It's actually kind of fucking embarrassing, and I hope it wasn't all that obvious, because it'd mean...
[ He clicks his tongue again. ] That I had a really fucking obvious crush. But I guess I wouldn't hate that. Got us here.
[He could rub it in - but then there'd be time enough for that later, time enough to fluster him over again with honesty and affection now that Sanemi knows, now that he's seen the effect it has on him.
For now, though he... continues. And Tengen doesn't move, but is suddenly extremely thankful that he's taken to wearing his hair down now that it's become difficult to put it up, if the heat on the back of his neck is any indication of how far that blush spreads.
It's unusual for him. He shouldn't be acting like this by any rights, but... it's also new, in ways no one has any way of knowing.]
Yeah. Got us here.
[Muttered into his shoulder like... well, like Sanemi usually does. How the tables have turned.]
And I guess there's no chance of hiding what you're doing to me, is there?
[ Wow, was this what it felt like when they were flustering the everliving hell out of him? This confusing mix of genuine affection and fondness and the powerful urge to press his thumb down into that vulnerability until he could coax out every reaction?
Interesting! Wow!
Because, god, yeah, he's fucking fond of this guy. Fond enough that the question makes him laugh. Not his usual, mean-spirited or wild, but a genuine, surprised, soft little laugh. It bubbles into something louder still, because it feels that good, to the point he has to muffle it into Tengen's hair. ]
Not a chance in hell, no. Sorry. [ God, he even sounds fucking gooey when he talks. Embarrassing. ] If it's any consolation, it's cute.
[He has no qualms with being cute - or with being called cute - not really, and especially not when it's coming from someone he's so terribly fond of, someone who he doesn't mind seeing him like this, who he wants to spend all the stolen moments they can snatch away with.
Sooner rather than later, he huffs a sigh and while he doesn't extract his face from Sanemi's shoulder, he does shift enough that he can look up at him, in an awkward, half-seeing sort of way, sure, but he's not hiding his blush or his expression, either.]
Last chance to take it back or I'll think you're serious about me or something.
[ It feels good to have the roles reversed, at least for a short while. He isn’t going to vocalize that, though, not when Tengen is being charming. Maybe that’s what makes Sanemi soft; he’s far more intent on seeing this happen again than potentially locking it away forever with the wrong thing said at the wrong time.
He does almost snort when Tengen practically peeks up at him. It’s like seeing into a mirror that’s been… slightly tilted to the left. Not that he would ever compare their looks, since there was obviously little comparison to be had there – he digresses. ]
[The smile that comes at the affirmation is soft, a little shy, even, and sure he might not hide again, but he does shift to press a kiss to Sanemi's throat, because it's the closest thing he can get at without moving too much.]
Thank fuck for that.
[So then it's settled. They're officially 'attached' - and just need to, apparently, make it a bit more obvious to the rest of the grove. A devastatingly simple arrangement for the swell it brings to his heart.]
[ ... was Tengen as nervous about this conversation going a certain way as Sanemi had been? He finds it almost difficult to believe. That smile is so achingly sweet, though, that he doubts he'll ever forget it. Sap. Tengen Uzui is a sap, and the more time he spends around him the more obvious it becomes.
A pleased sigh leaves Sanemi at the kiss. It's almost enough to make him answer that question honestly. Almost. ]
[He was nervous. And excited. Both in ways that he's certain if he tells Sanemi about now will ruin the moment so he simply... basks in it, now that there's less reason to be nervous.
So. Yeah. Tengen Uzui is a sap, and he's finally letting Sanemi Shinazugawa see it. Congratulations.]
Ah, come on, please~?
[Bats? Eyelashes? If he's cute, you have to give in, right?]
[ To think this had all unfolded from inquiring about having his ears pierced. He will have to return to the request at some point, but for the time being it is the furthest thing from Sanemi’s mind. Cuddling this sap ranked far higher on the list.
Sanemi’s lips screw into an expression that’s almost dangerously sulky. Even with Tengen’s… charming insistence, he’s incredibly hesitant. Heat starts to collect in his face. ]
I’unno. Since right after I became a hashira. Something like that.
[It's all so... normal... that this unfolded from that. It feels wrong, almost, like he doesn't deserve normal, but... at the same time, Sanemi does, so Tengen will simply have to grapple with the wrongness until it ceases to be an issue.
And get cuddled. That helped, somewhat.]
Eh? Fuck, you hid your crush better than you thought, if that's true.
[He'd always believed there to be a friendship there - he often bridged the gap between the more sunshiny hashira and the prickly ones, being a bit of both himself - but more? From Sanemi? The man's single-minded dedication to the mission effectively hid any softer feelings.
But there was no mission, here.]
At least until you didn't have to anymore.
[More teasing. More of a shield, to keep from being too terribly flustered himself.]
... it's more that I don't think I realized that's what the hell was going on until much more recently.
[ For once, Sanemi doesn't rise to the bait. He lays his head on top of Tengen's with something of a contented sigh. Fuck it. He was allowed to be happy with this. All else was secondary at the moment. ]
I can't fucking pretend like it didn't become obvious the moment I wasn't focused. I don't know if that's why it felt like it all came on so strongly, or what. It was like one moment, the idea of all that shit didn't matter - hell, it didn't even hardly register. I'd have moments where I thought about that sort of thing, sure, but it seemed like a waste of my fucking time. And then all of a sudden -. We here here, I guess, and forced into fucking retirement, and my brain had time to catch up.
[ Shit, is this the most he's talked about his feelings practically ever? He flushes, growls, and squeezes Tengen wordless retribution for a moment. ]
Now you've got me talking your fucking ear off. Embarrassing.
[He knows Sanemi wouldn't talk this much about anything - much less his feelings - if he really didn't want to. Sure, they might be spilling out with barely any prompting, here, but... it's nice, getting to hear it, getting to understand him that much more.]
I can't say I understand entirely, since I never really... had to? Got to? Think about it at all the first time around.
[With the other Hashira it was different in some ways, there was certainly more freedom to have and feel feelings, Kanae and Mitsuri were proof enough of that, but in other ways it was the same as it had been - the mission was the most important, connection with others could be seen as a weakness to exploit...
And no one chooses Tengen Uzui anyway.
Except Suma. Except Sanemi, apparently.]
Retirement is hell on assumptions on how the world is, isn't it?
[ If Tengen hadn't been with his wives for as long as he had been, Sanemi might have questioned their decision to fall into this more. By his admission, he hadn't had the opportunity to contemplate what that tether was going to mean the first time around - or the first three times around, to be specific. But the fact he seemed happy with his relationship in Sanemi's most recent memory put him at ease. If there had been even a vague sense of a similar pressure... ]
I get it. I'm not even sure what point I'm trying to make, just – fucking. Rambling. I guess.
[ Sanemi sighs faintly through his nose. Then, with a hint of cheek. ]
Well, your post-retirement outfit change certainly helped, so yeah.
[After so long, despite the way their relationships had begun, there was a kind of understanding between the four of them that let him - let all of them should they choose to - have a kind of freedom, so long as there was communication. Hell, maybe that's why he was able to run circles around Sanemi when it came to all this. The ability to simply be confident in their love for each other was more valuable than anything else he could possibly want.
And it removed pressure from... well, from this.]
Rambling's fine. I like your voice, too, you know.
[As if that couldn't be guessed. As if the Sound Hashira would even consider being with someone whose sounds bothered him.]
Shit, I would sure hope so. Otherwise you'd be in for a world of hurt.
[ The wordless implication here: because I'm not going to leave you the hell alone from this point onward. At least, not nearly as much as he had prior to their arrival in the Grove. Sanemi was still an introvert at heart, and would always require some level of space, but it turned out those inclinations butted heads with the desire to rub against someone like a cat. Go figure. ]
Traditional isn't really the word I'd use, but hey, if that's the way you wanna take it.
[He will take that wordless implication and add a promise of a future sappy conversation to it. He knows, deep down, neither of them could handle it all at once, but one little bit of saccharine sweetness at a time, every time either of them decided it was time to crawl into the other's arms? Yeah. Yeah, that was doable.]
[ Is he going to take this in a perverse direction immediately? He considers it for a moment, weighing his options. Leading with something crass had always been his style... and maybe he's shoved enough sweet, sappy bullshit into Tengen's lap for one conversation. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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He huffs a harsh little laugh. ]
Because I’m obviously the last fucking person who’d be able to make a declaration like that. You seriously have to ask?
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[Sanemi is... gruff. Awkward with feelings. Rough around the edges at the best of times. And yet...
Call him selfish, or callous, or misguided, but the words feel important. For clarity, sure, but also for affirmation.]
So uh. Try it? For me?
[Back in the forest, urging him to try putting feelings into words for his own sake - or for the sake of simply getting them out there - had seemed to work, but only to a point. Maybe like this...]
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... maybe it's fucking stupid, but I feel like we're all on borrowed fucking time. And every day that knot gets a little tighter, and more of it slips away, and I've already done – enough things wrong for one measly fucking lifetime.
[ He clenches his jaw. ] I don't – want to lose something that – matters, again, even if it's – shit, I don't know. I don't know what the hell I'm saying.
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[He listens. Takes in every gruff, awkward little word, and, sure, he could take him somewhere comfortable, but... his back hits the wall instead, he sinks down, he keeps the other man tucked close, though loosens his hold on him just enough that he can settle himself comfortably in his lap.]
If it's fucking stupid, then we're both fucking stupid, because... I feel the same, you know?
[He can't say that it feels like he's the only one not on borrowed time - between those who were brought back from the dead and those who had a timer on their remaining days, he knows, knows, that every day he has with any of them is precious.
It's gratifying that Sanemi recognizes it, too, in his own way, even if he's certain it hurts.]
I'm not letting go, either.
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Sanemi's first reaction is to click his tongue: in frustration, out of a lack of anything meanwhile to say. He does at least lift his head from where it's tucked into Tengen's neck. ]
I'm not any fucking good at this. You know that, right? You know what you're getting yourself into?
[ That's saying... something. In a way, it's Sanemi's affirmation of both their feelings. Just with his same hamfisted way of going about it. Borrowed time, stolen moments – he was unwilling, at this point, to let any more of it slip by out of.. his own misguided understanding of things. ]
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Funny, that the wind is steady like the earth, in this case.]
You think I started out good at this? I've been married eight years and I still suck at finding the words sometimes.
[So they're on borrowed time. So what? They would, inevitably, end up using some of that time to get better at... all this. Whatever that ended up meaning for them.]
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Bullshit. I feel like you run circles around me practically every time we end up like... this.
[ Sanemi wrinkles his nose. Steels himself. Breathes in slowly, then breathes out equally slowly. ]
Alright. I warned you. ... and I'm not just doin' all this because you're fucking attractive, or for the sex, even if –. [ He glances towards the heavens. Higher power, fucking help him. ] The former's true and the latter was fucking fantastic, whatever. What I'm trying to say is that I want you. All of it.
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...Well, like, actual hateful aggression might hurt his soft heart a bit, but surely that's not actually part of it (anymore), so it's fine.]
Yeah, I have practice, idiot.
[There's fondness there. So as Sanemi breathes, steels himself, Tengen shifts to look at him more fully, really take in what he's saying. And for a few moments, when he lays on the compliments, when he focuses on the physicality of their attraction, he thinks he's safe, lets a smirk start to form... but then.
Then he keeps going and all those circles he supposedly runs around Sanemi when they're like this ends in him tripping and falling on his stupid metaphorical face as he flushes, opens his mouth like he's going to speak, only to close it again with a strangled, halting noise...
And shifts to hide that embarrassing expression in Sanemi's shoulder, all while holding him tighter. No look him he's suddenly shy.]
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He was acting like Sanemi! Had Sanemi managed to fluster him by being – honest?
He weighs his options. He could rub it in. But that might lose him the moment. He could also simply... continue being honest? Maybe it wouldn't be so terrible, if Tengen was reacting like that. ]
... so, yeah, maybe I wanted to match. Maybe I like the idea of someone lookin' at me, seeing it, and knowing. I like the idea of being... associated with you, like that. Shit, it should be obvious how much I do like you, given... something about being around you puts me in a stupidly good mood, most of the time. It's actually kind of fucking embarrassing, and I hope it wasn't all that obvious, because it'd mean...
[ He clicks his tongue again. ] That I had a really fucking obvious crush. But I guess I wouldn't hate that. Got us here.
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For now, though he... continues. And Tengen doesn't move, but is suddenly extremely thankful that he's taken to wearing his hair down now that it's become difficult to put it up, if the heat on the back of his neck is any indication of how far that blush spreads.
It's unusual for him. He shouldn't be acting like this by any rights, but... it's also new, in ways no one has any way of knowing.]
Yeah. Got us here.
[Muttered into his shoulder like... well, like Sanemi usually does. How the tables have turned.]
And I guess there's no chance of hiding what you're doing to me, is there?
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Interesting! Wow!
Because, god, yeah, he's fucking fond of this guy. Fond enough that the question makes him laugh. Not his usual, mean-spirited or wild, but a genuine, surprised, soft little laugh. It bubbles into something louder still, because it feels that good, to the point he has to muffle it into Tengen's hair. ]
Not a chance in hell, no. Sorry. [ God, he even sounds fucking gooey when he talks. Embarrassing. ] If it's any consolation, it's cute.
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[He has no qualms with being cute - or with being called cute - not really, and especially not when it's coming from someone he's so terribly fond of, someone who he doesn't mind seeing him like this, who he wants to spend all the stolen moments they can snatch away with.
Sooner rather than later, he huffs a sigh and while he doesn't extract his face from Sanemi's shoulder, he does shift enough that he can look up at him, in an awkward, half-seeing sort of way, sure, but he's not hiding his blush or his expression, either.]
Last chance to take it back or I'll think you're serious about me or something.
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He does almost snort when Tengen practically peeks up at him. It’s like seeing into a mirror that’s been… slightly tilted to the left. Not that he would ever compare their looks, since there was obviously little comparison to be had there – he digresses. ]
I’m not takin' it back.
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Thank fuck for that.
[So then it's settled. They're officially 'attached' - and just need to, apparently, make it a bit more obvious to the rest of the grove. A devastatingly simple arrangement for the swell it brings to his heart.]
...How long have you had that crush, huh?
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A pleased sigh leaves Sanemi at the kiss. It's almost enough to make him answer that question honestly. Almost. ]
Not telling.
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So. Yeah. Tengen Uzui is a sap, and he's finally letting Sanemi Shinazugawa see it. Congratulations.]
Ah, come on, please~?
[Bats? Eyelashes? If he's cute, you have to give in, right?]
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Sanemi’s lips screw into an expression that’s almost dangerously sulky. Even with Tengen’s… charming insistence, he’s incredibly hesitant. Heat starts to collect in his face. ]
I’unno. Since right after I became a hashira. Something like that.
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And get cuddled. That helped, somewhat.]
Eh? Fuck, you hid your crush better than you thought, if that's true.
[He'd always believed there to be a friendship there - he often bridged the gap between the more sunshiny hashira and the prickly ones, being a bit of both himself - but more? From Sanemi? The man's single-minded dedication to the mission effectively hid any softer feelings.
But there was no mission, here.]
At least until you didn't have to anymore.
[More teasing. More of a shield, to keep from being too terribly flustered himself.]
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[ For once, Sanemi doesn't rise to the bait. He lays his head on top of Tengen's with something of a contented sigh. Fuck it. He was allowed to be happy with this. All else was secondary at the moment. ]
I can't fucking pretend like it didn't become obvious the moment I wasn't focused. I don't know if that's why it felt like it all came on so strongly, or what. It was like one moment, the idea of all that shit didn't matter - hell, it didn't even hardly register. I'd have moments where I thought about that sort of thing, sure, but it seemed like a waste of my fucking time. And then all of a sudden -. We here here, I guess, and forced into fucking retirement, and my brain had time to catch up.
[ Shit, is this the most he's talked about his feelings practically ever? He flushes, growls, and squeezes Tengen wordless retribution for a moment. ]
Now you've got me talking your fucking ear off. Embarrassing.
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[He knows Sanemi wouldn't talk this much about anything - much less his feelings - if he really didn't want to. Sure, they might be spilling out with barely any prompting, here, but... it's nice, getting to hear it, getting to understand him that much more.]
I can't say I understand entirely, since I never really... had to? Got to? Think about it at all the first time around.
[With the other Hashira it was different in some ways, there was certainly more freedom to have and feel feelings, Kanae and Mitsuri were proof enough of that, but in other ways it was the same as it had been - the mission was the most important, connection with others could be seen as a weakness to exploit...
And no one chooses Tengen Uzui anyway.
Except Suma. Except Sanemi, apparently.]
Retirement is hell on assumptions on how the world is, isn't it?
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I get it. I'm not even sure what point I'm trying to make, just – fucking. Rambling. I guess.
[ Sanemi sighs faintly through his nose. Then, with a hint of cheek. ]
Well, your post-retirement outfit change certainly helped, so yeah.
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And it removed pressure from... well, from this.]
Rambling's fine. I like your voice, too, you know.
[As if that couldn't be guessed. As if the Sound Hashira would even consider being with someone whose sounds bothered him.]
Yeah? What, you're that traditional?
[Cheek traded for cheek.]
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[ The wordless implication here: because I'm not going to leave you the hell alone from this point onward. At least, not nearly as much as he had prior to their arrival in the Grove. Sanemi was still an introvert at heart, and would always require some level of space, but it turned out those inclinations butted heads with the desire to rub against someone like a cat. Go figure. ]
Traditional isn't really the word I'd use, but hey, if that's the way you wanna take it.
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[He will take that wordless implication and add a promise of a future sappy conversation to it. He knows, deep down, neither of them could handle it all at once, but one little bit of saccharine sweetness at a time, every time either of them decided it was time to crawl into the other's arms? Yeah. Yeah, that was doable.]
No? What would you call it, then?
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[ Is he going to take this in a perverse direction immediately? He considers it for a moment, weighing his options. Leading with something crass had always been his style... and maybe he's shoved enough sweet, sappy bullshit into Tengen's lap for one conversation. ]
Shows plenty of skin. Call it having eyes.
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